Relationship Advice – 5 Wise Answers to the Question: What is love?

Just after Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for this discussion while some of you are still basking in the afterglow.

People are so lost in, and confused by, what they consider to be love these days; it is time we sorted this out once and for all, and set the record straight.

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These might be the wisest words I have ever written:

Only fools believe sex and love are related!

Sex and its effects are temporary while “true love” lasts your entire life no matter what transpires.

Love is built or destroyed by the qualities of a person’s character.

Empathy, compassion, morals, scruples, intelligence, and integrity are reasons to fall for someone possessing most or ideally all six of these character traits.

Physical appearance, voice, scent, taste, and a knowing touch are reasons to have sex, but they ARE NOT legitimate reasons for thinking we are in love.

For far too many people, their idea of love speaks of “loving feelings” which are usually strongest after sex but weaken again with time. How many times have we seen or heard the words:

“I am SO in love right now!”

This is NOT love. If you need further clarification, my book offers science-based explanations of sex and its effects, as well as the biological imperatives which drive us to partner up. Don’t worry, it’s a light-ish read.

Just because you choose to be in a committed relationship, DOES NOT mean you are in love.

You cannot force love into a sexual relationship even if it comes with the added perks of companionship, convenience,  and security. You may “love” being in a relationship, but this IS NOT the same as being “in love”.

If you ever experience true love, you will find it is a CONSTANT CONDITION that can only be altered by changes in your partner’s character.

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Relationship Advice – My Misogyny

Nothing burns so hot as a new love affair.

Well, almost nothing. If you find out you have been deceived and betrayed on a massive scale, a different fire burns, and it is one which is difficult to extinguish. You anger is like a gasoline fire in the sand; just when you think it is out, it flares up once again.

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This is my story of the devastation that occurs when you have been deceived, and how this writer works through his pain.

Everyone has witnessed sexism or outright misogyny at some point in their lives. What we all must remember and understand is each of us will have emotional challenges at some point brought about by our personal lives. Most of us try very hard to appear as though all is well when we show up for work or a social event when going through personal problems. However, it is possible for each of us to allow bitterness or resentment to unconsciously affect how we are perceived by others. Sometimes we hate. It’s as simple as that. The important point to question is whether the misogyny being displayed is a temporary condition or has it become a part of who we are.

It’s incredible how quickly love and caring can turn to vile hatred.

Men are most often labeled as misogynists, but this is neither fair nor equitable. While men are historically far more practised in the art of misogyny, courtesy of our five-thousand year old patriarchy, women are also completely capable of similar behavior; granted, with a little less testosterone fueling their hatred of women. Further, women are capable of atrocious acts against their own sex when they feel threatened by, or are in competition with, another woman. I am certain there are deniers and rationalists who would say there is a difference between hating one woman or a few women and hating all women.

To me, hate is hate.

My personal philosophy differs from most. I do not believe in the cut and dried─black and white─good and evil─right and left we are endlessly being sold on by the division propagating media. Instead, I tend to explore the gray area between black and white because it is there where change can be accomplished. My view of our messed up world is akin to a pie divided into three equal portions: 33.3% good, 33.3% bad, with the final 33.3% in flux; capable of going either way on any given day. When our world has a dark period, it is because too much of the gray area has shifted to one side. Nature teaches us about her delicate balance and we can apply this to human behavior as well. We must maintain our emotional balance or hate will consume us.

Just before the holidays, I managed to unravel a web of lies, deceit, and betrayal my now ex significant other had been attempting to hide. I could feel something was amiss as her behavior toward me had changed, as did her attitude toward important career matters. She was no longer interested in or putting any effort into either. When I pressed for an explanation in the early going, she blamed it on being so busy with work. A part of me knew better, after all, this was far from my first rodeo. When she was finally cornered just before Christmas, the truth came out. While I was at home tending to her forgotten small business and worrying about her because of an alleged family crisis on her side, she was travelling with another man.

Needless to say, I was outraged.

No one who professes their undying love for you should ever do this, but sadly, this type of behavior happens all the time. There are those in our society who rationalize such abhorrent actions with sayings like: “The heart wants what the heart wants.” or “We are only human.” but I do not buy into this.

These words are sociopathic rationalizations, written by sociopaths for sociopaths, in my “authoritative” opinion.

Civilized people say goodbye to an old love before beginning a new one and they do not cheat. After some very heated and hurtful words were fired in her direction, I terminated the relationship with extreme prejudice. I was devastated, bitter, and angry as I began rewinding the tape in my mind of our entire relationship. Doubts crept in. What else might she have lied about? Could I believe anything she had ever said to me?

I uncorked a bottle of very special scotch whiskey and began to wash away the pain. I remember thinking: I am an authority on relationships, and I will be damned if she is going to ruin my holiday season. A few drinks later, I remembered a word string I had committed to memory decades ago: That f—ing good for nothing two-bit bimbo, slut, pig, dog, whore, bitch, c–t. It takes a “special” kind of woman to create this kind of emotional damage in a man. It also takes a “special” group of women to make the damage permanent. My conclusion?

I am the short bus for these “special” women.

I was definitely getting in touch with my deep-seeded misogyny. What I found most astonishing was how the decades I have spent researching and writing about women in order to become a better more aware man who works to elevate women, vanished in that moment.

It was as though I had a system crash and I returned to a default program setting.

How many heartbreaks does a person need to suffer to create a word string like this? How many heartbreaks must they endure to keep it in their memory for decades? My life is literally an open book; chalk full of poor choices. You would think I, of all people, would not sink to this level . . . but I did.

The holidays became about getting through and getting past what had transpired. I went into full survival mode. I consumed alcohol as required to wash away any thoughts of her, even though I know it is a depressant. I thought to myself: I can drink every day if I offset the effects of the alcohol with an anti-depressant like dark chocolate. We all have our rationalizations.

It only took about two weeks for the anger, rage, retribution, lunacy phase to pass, and to begin the healing phase. I kept my mind and body busy. It helped to think about how the two of them will inevitably obliviously continue their patterns of behavior, and how much pain they will create for each other.

When a man wants to see the world, he signs to work aboard a ship.

When an attractive damsel in distress wants to see the world, she will see it as a first class passenger through the portholes in the captain’s quarters. Oops, my bad. I guess all the misogyny has not been purged yet, but I will continue to work on it.

Misogyny is a version of directed hate which exists in some form in all of us. It is just a branch on the hate tree like racism is. Sexism is only the next branch over. My hatred of women comes and goes depending on whether or not I have been hurt by one recently. I love women most of the time, but I can also hate women occasionally. Sometimes I can be ambivalent where womankind is concerned.

The important thing is to be conscious of what we are feeling.

Get to know your darker deep-seeded nature. Expose it to light so it will wither and die instead of allowing it to go unchecked only to become a permanent part of who you are. Speaking of death, did I mention I hope they are hit by a beer truck? Yeah, I know, I still have a few unresolved issues.

FYI: This article saw massive editing six weeks after the split. I removed all their dirty little secrets from the original piece so I guess I have reached the point of closure. The whole story she fed me might have been lies anyhow. She is like that. Lastly, I almost forgot to comment on what a big a fan I am of rebounding. It’s SO GOOD for quickly getting over a Ms. Creant.

I admit it, we are clueless.

It took me four decades, to finally have an inkling. You can get well ahead of the curve by reading Ms. Creant, or you can let time and experience be your teacher. It’s your call; but as one who did it the hard way, I assure you I would have much rather read a book, had one like this existed in my youth.

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Relationship Advice – What is good for the goose?

Relationships are hard, especially when your significant other is unconsciously starting a new one.

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I have lived this one more times than I care to think about. It always goes the same way. First you notice a change in routine. Communication becomes brief with talk of the weather, business, and other mundane topics. Intimacy shrivels and dies. Your significant other seems crazy busy and tired so you don’t push date nights, and your sex life becomes something you must initiate because they do not start things any longer. Their productivity suffers, but again you sluff it off as “The poor dear is so exhausted.” Eventually, it comes out that your partner has a new “friend”. If your significant other is a talker, you will hear a great deal about this friend and their circumstances as you wait patiently to see what develops. If you object to their interest in this person, you will be called jealous or controlling so you suffer, mostly in silence, wishing they were that interested in you once again. You feel them slipping away.

“It is purely platonic.”

“I am not doing anything wrong.”

Aren’t you?

They are not doing anything right either; of this you can be sure as they dive headlong into this new “harmless” relationship right before your eyes. They chat with their friend in front of you so they can RATIONALIZE that they are being open and honest with you; when in fact, they are actually doing this to DELUDE themselves about their attraction to this new friend and the truth of where this relationship might lead.

What is good for the goose, is not so good for the gander or vise-versa.

If the shoe was on the other foot, how would they respond? Empathy is dead. Hopefully, you are not encumbered by marriage, children, or shared debt when this day arrives. You will know it when you question the character of this “character”, and your significant other defends their lack of scruples.

It is time to squabble or to pack your bags. It could go either way.

Chances are, your significant other is not willing to let you go just yet. They have a history with you which usually has some value. If you believe this to be the case, it is time to shake them back to reality–figuratively speaking of course–and to let them know just how you feel.

Relationships carry with them more than a vow of physical monogamy. There is also an implied vow of honourable and appropriate behaviour . . . things that seem to have less meaning with each passing year as moral decay sweeps away the remnants of decency in our society.