Relationship Advice – Today’s Word is Feckless

feck·less – [ˈfekləs] – ADJECTIVE – lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible.

I must thank Shelby Kent Stewart {A great writer, author, and blogger. Find her and follow her.} for adding this new word to my vocabulary. Honestly, I don’t know how I missed this one as it is “right up my alley”, so to speak.

silhouette of girl during evening
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Shelby has read and reviewed Ms. Creant–thanks for that, by the way– and queried, perhaps rhetorically, ‘Why are feckless women so drawn to me?’, which, after looking up the meaning, I pondered for some time. I came up with nothing concrete. To be conscious, you must be self-aware, and to be self-aware, you must self-examine. I flipped the question to read:

Why am I so drawn to feckless women?

And presto, answers began to emerge.

I have been saving, or attempting to save, damsels in distress for as long as I can remember. I always fall for the classic femme fatale types, and the results are ALWAYS the same.

femme fa·tale – [fem fəˈtäl]-  NOUN – an attractive and seductive woman, especially one who will ultimately bring disaster to a man who becomes involved with her.

You save them by whisking them away from their troubles, whether real or imagined, to a place of relative safety–usually your place–where you begin to explore all their damage so you might set about repairing them. At first they are grateful, and they show their gratitude by rewarding you with sex. This keeps you motivated to continue to care for them even though there is a voice inside you screaming: This is NOT the type of woman you want! You ignore the screams because you are busy with your new repair project. Before you know it, a year of honeymoon bliss has gone by, and somewhere along the way you uttered the words: “I love you.”, usually in reply to their having said it first. It is here where you have committed yourself, but the screaming persists.

They absolutely smother you with love and affection on a level you never imagined possible.

BINGO! There it is!

Once the fog of sex begins to lift as the honeymoon period ends, you begin to see how your repair work is coming along. You got them the help they needed to change their lives. You cared for them in every way you could think of. You encouraged them to get a job while building a career for themselves, so they would never be reliant on men again. You dropped everything important in your life, that you should have been focusing on, to assist them in rising like a phoenix from the ashes of their former selves. You are proud of yourself for your altruism. You consistently promote the idea that through awareness, growth, and change, they could leave their past behind to become someone truly fantastic–someone who could even silence the screaming voice within you. You want what is best for them, but in truth you are selfishly attempting to build what you have been unable to find.

Here, Shelby, is the revelatory bit.

What happens when you are working harder on them than they are on themselves?

Enter their fecklessness.

You notice only a minimal effort being applied to their life-building so you create a plan for them to follow, but because ‘Organization is hard.’, you end up doing most of it. They mask their lack of initiative with the cries of the consummate damsel in distress:

HELP ME! HELP ME!

SAVE ME! SAVE ME!

I’M SO VULNERABLE!

You discover their lack of character when they freely tell you how this man or that man is doing stuff FOR THEM in answer to their pleas for help. It is as though they think you might rush to join the herd competing for her affection. You point out this backsliding, as well as the list of previous mistakes they have made in similar situations , but it falls on deaf ears. Their irresponsibility is evident as they would much rather be cultivating and shopping the numerous offers they receive from men on the Internet, than focusing on the work you have been pushing them to complete. You are no longer a part of an easy solution; YOU are now the problem. The guys on the web are quick to reinforce this idea–manipulating easy prey–by telling them: ‘How different things would be if only. . . ‘

It should be noted how quickly feckless women fall in and out of love based on their “What have you done for me lately?” mindset. You and YOUR plan to make them someone worth knowing is abandoned in favor of immediate gratification.

 

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Relationship Advice – Sex 101 Quiz: How Kinky Are You?

bear bed blond body
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Welcome to this new sex and relationship blog series.

As with most things I advocate, this conversation will be more balanced; more risqué; and definitely more open than anything the mainstream is allowed to print these days. Yes, I will challenge preconceptions, indoctrination, and the status quo along the way, because it is what I do.

Reader Advisory: 18+ ???

THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY!

You might be mature at sixteen; in which case, kudos. You also might be an emotionally stunted immature child who is sixty. If you fall in love with every partner you sleep with, you are not mature enough to be here or to be sexually active. People are like that. Read on if you think you make the cut. In future we will cover the many elements and intricacies which make intimate human relations range from: “I’m so deeply in love” to “WTF just happened?” All too often the period of time between these two emotional states is ridiculously short. If you are willing, we will attempt to help you figure out why, so you might find closure and not fall into a repeating pattern of behavior in the future. Please feel free to suggest any related topics which interest you. All topics are on the table here; I am very open-minded. However, I do have a few boundaries in the area of abusive or abhorrent behaviors so choose your words carefully when weighing in on these.

Why the title: Sex 101?

It’s simple really, this information is targeted at North Americans and other uptight backward misogynistic patriarchal nations around the globe. Many European countries have understood sex, the various anatomical functions, effects, and potential pitfalls for a very long time. Most importantly, they have taught what they know to their kids rather than just releasing uninformed morons into the world and hoping for the best, as we do here in North America. Even the books on relationships available to us are almost all written by heavily indoctrinated “in the box” thinkers who got lost somewhere in academia; conforming in order to be awarded a doctorate in a single discipline. This brings us to one critical point:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT!

Anyone who claims to be one is full of crap. A person would have to live a thousand lifetimes, and remember each one, to begin to get a handle on all the emotional states we humans can experience. Psych textbooks give us a basis for understanding, but no one should ever espouse to be an expert in human behavior unless they have lived it. Instead, I prefer the word authority with its root meaning.

ORIGIN: Middle English from Old French autorite, from Latin auctoritas, from auctor‘ originator, promoter’ (see author).

For those of you who are not acquainted with me, I am a human relations author who spent years researching this subject—ergo an authority. I wrote the sexiest, most humorous textbook on human behavior ever written. Ms. C is about life: everything we were not told, are told not to talk about, but need to know.

Book Display jpeg

So let’s start off with a bang. (Note the intentional use of sexual innuendo.)

KINK

I could think of no better way to illustrate how different everyone is, when discussing relationship matters, than this subject. Everyone has a different perspective based on how high they let their freak flag fly. One person’s kink is another person’s depravity. People judge each other based on their personal indoctrination, and most are unaware of how, when, where, and who seeded their beliefs. A few will deny they have ever had a kinky thought. This is rare among people who have explored their sexuality. At the opposite end of the spectrum, there are people who cannot climax without utilizing their kink(s). For them, kink often becomes a lifestyle. We will presume everyone reading this is somewhere between these two extremes, and we will find out just how kinky and how open to new experiences we are without diving into anything too “out there” for the average reader. If you are uninhibited or a bit of an exhibitionist, you can post your score in the comments. Here we go.

How Kinky Are You?

Give yourself 1 point for each of the following where you answered YES.

1) You have had mutually satisfying sex with a partner.
2) You have tried sexting.
3) You have tried phone sex.
4) You enjoy masturbation.
5) You enjoy sexy literature, photography, television, or films.
My score for this section: 5 out of 5.

Give yourself 5 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

6) You have had sex with a partner you just met.
7) You are on a sex tape.
8) You have had sex via video chat. (My computer’s camera is dead.)
9) You can name more than 3 sexual positions.
10) You enjoy oral sex.
11) You have tried a sex toy.
12) You have tried cosplay.
13) You like pornography.
14) You have played with any of these in bed: ice cubes, popsicles or a feather.
15) You talk dirty.
My score for this section: 45 out of 50.

Give yourself 10 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

16) You have had sex in public.
17) You have had sex at work.
18) Ass play happened.
19) Spanking happened.
20) Someone was tied up and or blindfolded.
21) You left a bite mark or scratches.
My score for this section: 60 out of 60.

Give yourself 20 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

22) You have engaged in ménage à trois.
23) You have been to an orgy.
24) You have swapped partners.
25) You have been with more than one sex.
26) Someone watched.
27) You own handcuffs and do not work in law enforcement.
28) You have a shiny body suit.
29) You are a tantric sex expert.
30) Your sex toy store knows you by name. (LOL)
31) You have made a mental note that your next bed must have stronger posts. (LOL)
My score for this section: 100 out of 200.

My Grand Total is: 210 out of 315. Many North Americans are shocked by my score while many Europeans think it’s probably about average. It does not matter what you scored. This quiz, like sex, is intended to be fun. Both you and your partner need the health benefits associated with sexual release, and as a bonus, the intimacy goes a long way in preserving a long-term relationship. If you are looking to shake things up, remember that any sex games must be discussed and mutually agreed to by all participants. Once your plan gets a green light, let your freak flag fly, but play safe.

Remember, behaviors usually do not become a problem until they involve compulsion.

Have fun but do not become lost in the pursuit of it.

© 2018 E. A. Barker