Relationship Advice – When the writing is on the wall . . . do you look away?

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Apparently I did.

My latest relationship disaster forced me to clean up my facebook wall before saying a final farewell to that time-suck. What remains on it is very revealing. If we post to social media based on what we are feeling, and I believe we do, then my posts are a tell-all with trackable mile-markers on the road to Splitsville.

March 18, 2018 I shared a post which said: Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled and your heart is an idiot but your gut doesn’t know how to lie.

April 16, 2018 I shared a post which said: Never discredit your gut instinct. You are not paranoid. Your body can pick up on bad vibrations. If something deep inside of you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it.

June 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: They don’t discard you for someone better, they discard you for someone who can’t see their bullshit.

June 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: I am too old for games, too tired to pretend, and too wise for lies.

June 24, 2018 I shared a post which said: Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn’t figured out yet.

June 25, 2018 I shared a lengthy post which began with: Do yourself a favor and learn how to walk away. When a connection starts to fade, learn how to let it go. . . .

July 5, 2018 I shared a post which said: Pay attention to your gut feelings. No matter how good something looks, if it doesn’t feel right, walk away.

July 6, 2018 I shared a post which said: Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.

July 24, 2018 I shared a post which said: Forgive yourself. You had no way of knowing you would be betrayed. A pure heart often trusts more than it should.

July 25, 2018 I shared a post which said: A relationship is worth fighting for but you can’t be the only one fighting.

August 5, 2018 I shared a post which said: Love (n.) Giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.

August 9, 2018 I shared a post which said: Never lie to your partner, even if the truth might hurt them. Lying ruins trust.

August 29, 2018 I shared a post which said: I don’t regret the things I did wrong, I regret the good things I did for the wrong people.

August 30, 2018 I shared a post which said: Don’t you dare shrink yourself for someone else’s comfort. Do not become small for people who refuse to grow.

September 12, 2018 I shared a post which said: The only people who are mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie. Keep speaking the truth.

September 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: How do you lose a woman? Just be a good guy, they hate that crap.

October 28, 2018 I wrote a blog post here in my Relationship Advice blog: Relationships are hard, especially when your significant other is unconsciously starting a new one.

November 2, 2018 I shared a post which said: I never cared about the material things. I care about time, attention, honesty, loyalty and effort. Those gifts mean more to me than anything money could buy.

November 20, 2018 I shared a post which said: I seriously wonder: How many highly intuitive, intelligent & totally sane women & men have been labelled as crazy because they got too close to figuring out someone else’s bullsh*t.

December 8, 2018 I posted on my Blog Madness site what I now call my Duped Fool Post. While I was worried and working on her behalf, she was up to no good.

I ended the relationship shortly after the above article was posted. She was finally cornered by questions she did not want to answer which ultimately led to my unravelling her massive deception.

My gut had long known what my head would not accept.

Love will do this to you. When someone covers lies with still more lies, their words which echo in your memory trick you into a condition of wanting to believe anything that will keep your heart from being broken.

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Relationship Advice – Today’s Word is Feckless

feck·less – [ˈfekləs] – ADJECTIVE – lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible.

I must thank Shelby Kent Stewart {A great writer, author, and blogger. Find her and follow her.} for adding this new word to my vocabulary. Honestly, I don’t know how I missed this one as it is “right up my alley”, so to speak.

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Shelby has read and reviewed Ms. Creant–thanks for that, by the way– and queried, perhaps rhetorically, ‘Why are feckless women so drawn to me?’, which, after looking up the meaning, I pondered for some time. I came up with nothing concrete. To be conscious, you must be self-aware, and to be self-aware, you must self-examine. I flipped the question to read:

Why am I so drawn to feckless women?

And presto, answers began to emerge.

I have been saving, or attempting to save, damsels in distress for as long as I can remember. I always fall for the classic femme fatale types, and the results are ALWAYS the same.

femme fa·tale – [fem fəˈtäl]-  NOUN – an attractive and seductive woman, especially one who will ultimately bring disaster to a man who becomes involved with her.

You save them by whisking them away from their troubles, whether real or imagined, to a place of relative safety–usually your place–where you begin to explore all their damage so you might set about repairing them. At first they are grateful, and they show their gratitude by rewarding you with sex. This keeps you motivated to continue to care for them even though there is a voice inside you screaming: This is NOT the type of woman you want! You ignore the screams because you are busy with your new repair project. Before you know it, a year of honeymoon bliss has gone by, and somewhere along the way you uttered the words: “I love you.”, usually in reply to their having said it first. It is here where you have committed yourself, but the screaming persists.

They absolutely smother you with love and affection on a level you never imagined possible.

BINGO! There it is!

Once the fog of sex begins to lift as the honeymoon period ends, you begin to see how your repair work is coming along. You got them the help they needed to change their lives. You cared for them in every way you could think of. You encouraged them to get a job while building a career for themselves, so they would never be reliant on men again. You dropped everything important in your life, that you should have been focusing on, to assist them in rising like a phoenix from the ashes of their former selves. You are proud of yourself for your altruism. You consistently promote the idea that through awareness, growth, and change, they could leave their past behind to become someone truly fantastic–someone who could even silence the screaming voice within you. You want what is best for them, but in truth you are selfishly attempting to build what you have been unable to find.

Here, Shelby, is the revelatory bit.

What happens when you are working harder on them than they are on themselves?

Enter their fecklessness.

You notice only a minimal effort being applied to their life-building so you create a plan for them to follow, but because ‘Organization is hard.’, you end up doing most of it. They mask their lack of initiative with the cries of the consummate damsel in distress:

HELP ME! HELP ME!

SAVE ME! SAVE ME!

I’M SO VULNERABLE!

You discover their lack of character when they freely tell you how this man or that man is doing stuff FOR THEM in answer to their pleas for help. It is as though they think you might rush to join the herd competing for her affection. You point out this backsliding, as well as the list of previous mistakes they have made in similar situations , but it falls on deaf ears. Their irresponsibility is evident as they would much rather be cultivating and shopping the numerous offers they receive from men on the Internet, than focusing on the work you have been pushing them to complete. You are no longer a part of an easy solution; YOU are now the problem. The guys on the web are quick to reinforce this idea–manipulating easy prey–by telling them: ‘How different things would be if only. . . ‘

It should be noted how quickly feckless women fall in and out of love based on their “What have you done for me lately?” mindset. You and YOUR plan to make them someone worth knowing is abandoned in favor of immediate gratification.