Just after Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for this discussion while some of you are still basking in the afterglow.
People are so lost in, and confused by, what they consider to be love these days; it is time we sorted this out once and for all, and set the record straight.
These might be the wisest words I have ever written:
Only fools believe sex and love are related!
Sex and its effects are temporary while “true love” lasts your entire life no matter what transpires.
Love is built or destroyed by the qualities of a person’s character.
Empathy, compassion, morals, scruples, intelligence, and integrity are reasons to fall for someone possessing most or ideally all six of these character traits.
Physical appearance, voice, scent, taste, and a knowing touch are reasons to have sex, but they ARE NOT legitimate reasons for thinking we are in love.
For far too many people, their idea of love speaks of “loving feelings” which are usually strongest after sex but weaken again with time. How many times have we seen or heard the words:
“I am SO in love right now!”
This is NOT love. If you need further clarification, my book offers science-based explanations of sex and its effects, as well as the biological imperatives which drive us to partner up. Don’t worry, it’s a light-ish read.
Just because you choose to be in a committed relationship, DOES NOT mean you are in love.
You cannot force love into a sexual relationship even if it comes with the added perks of companionship, convenience, and security. You may “love” being in a relationship, but this IS NOT the same as being “in love”.
If you ever experience true love, you will find it is a CONSTANT CONDITION that can only be altered by changes in your partner’s character.
My latest relationship disaster forced me to clean up my facebook wall before saying a final farewell to that time-suck. What remains on it is very revealing. If we post to social media based on what we are feeling, and I believe we do, then my posts are a tell-all with trackable mile-markers on the road to Splitsville.
March 18, 2018 I shared a post which said: Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled and your heart is an idiot but your gut doesn’t know how to lie.
April 16, 2018 I shared a post which said: Never discredit your gut instinct. You are not paranoid. Your body can pick up on bad vibrations. If something deep inside of you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it.
June 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: They don’t discard you for someone better, they discard you for someone who can’t see their bullshit.
June 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: I am too old for games, too tired to pretend, and too wise for lies.
June 24, 2018 I shared a post which said: Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn’t figured out yet.
June 25, 2018 I shared a lengthy post which began with: Do yourself a favor and learn how to walk away. When a connection starts to fade, learn how to let it go. . . .
July 5, 2018 I shared a post which said: Pay attention to your gut feelings. No matter how good something looks, if it doesn’t feel right, walk away.
July 6, 2018 I shared a post which said: Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.
July 24, 2018 I shared a post which said: Forgive yourself. You had no way of knowing you would be betrayed. A pure heart often trusts more than it should.
July 25, 2018 I shared a post which said: A relationship is worth fighting for but you can’t be the only one fighting.
August 5, 2018 I shared a post which said: Love (n.) Giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.
August 9, 2018 I shared a post which said: Never lie to your partner, even if the truth might hurt them. Lying ruins trust.
August 29, 2018 I shared a post which said: I don’t regret the things I did wrong, I regret the good things I did for the wrong people.
August 30, 2018 I shared a post which said: Don’t you dare shrink yourself for someone else’s comfort. Do not become small for people who refuse to grow.
September 12, 2018 I shared a post which said: The only people who are mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie. Keep speaking the truth.
September 21, 2018 I shared a post which said: How do you lose a woman? Just be a good guy, they hate that crap.
October 28, 2018 I wrote a blog post here in my Relationship Advice blog: Relationships are hard, especially when your significant other is unconsciously starting a new one.
November 2, 2018 I shared a post which said: I never cared about the material things. I care about time, attention, honesty, loyalty and effort. Those gifts mean more to me than anything money could buy.
November 20, 2018 I shared a post which said: I seriously wonder: How many highly intuitive, intelligent & totally sane women & men have been labelled as crazy because they got too close to figuring out someone else’s bullsh*t.
December 8, 2018 I posted on my Blog Madness site what I now call my Duped Fool Post. While I was worried and working on her behalf, she was up to no good.
I ended the relationship shortly after the above article was posted. She was finally cornered by questions she did not want to answer which ultimately led to my unravelling her massive deception.
My gut had long known what my head would not accept.
Love will do this to you. When someone covers lies with still more lies, their words which echo in your memory trick you into a condition of wanting to believe anything that will keep your heart from being broken.
It took me four decades, to finally have an inkling. You can get well ahead of the curve by reading Ms. Creant, or you can let time and experience be your teacher. It’s your call; but as one who did it the hard way, I assure you I would have much rather read a book, had one like this existed in my youth.
Relationships are hard, especially when your significant other is unconsciously starting a new one.
I have lived this one more times than I care to think about. It always goes the same way. First you notice a change in routine. Communication becomes brief with talk of the weather, business, and other mundane topics. Intimacy shrivels and dies. Your significant other seems crazy busy and tired so you don’t push date nights, and your sex life becomes something you must initiate because they do not start things any longer. Their productivity suffers, but again you sluff it off as “The poor dear is so exhausted.” Eventually, it comes out that your partner has a new “friend”. If your significant other is a talker, you will hear a great deal about this friend and their circumstances as you wait patiently to see what develops. If you object to their interest in this person, you will be called jealous or controlling so you suffer, mostly in silence, wishing they were that interested in you once again. You feel them slipping away.
“It is purely platonic.”
“I am not doing anything wrong.”
They are not doing anything right either; of this you can be sure as they dive headlong into this new “harmless” relationship right before your eyes. They chat with their friend in front of you so they can RATIONALIZE that they are being open and honest with you; when in fact, they are actually doing this to DELUDE themselves about their attraction to this new friend and the truth of where this relationship might lead.
What is good for the goose, is not so good for the gander or vise-versa.
If the shoe was on the other foot, how would they respond? Empathy is dead. Hopefully, you are not encumbered by marriage, children, or shared debt when this day arrives. You will know it when you question the character of this “character”, and your significant other defends their lack of scruples.
It is time to squabble or to pack your bags. It could go either way.
Chances are, your significant other is not willing to let you go just yet. They have a history with you which usually has some value. If you believe this to be the case, it is time to shake them back to reality–figuratively speaking of course–and to let them know just how you feel.
Relationships carry with them more than a vow of physical monogamy. There is also an implied vow of honourable and appropriate behaviour . . . things that seem to have less meaning with each passing year as moral decay sweeps away the remnants of decency in our society.