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Greatest Hits Volume 2: Relationship Thoughts

Relationships are complex and absolutely no one person has all the answers.

Understanding human behaviour is a good place to begin. Whether you are healing a broken heart, or just trying to figure out what the hell is going on in your partner’s head, sometimes you have to learn a lesson or nine about yourself before you can begin to understand another.

If you are over forty, you would probably get a kick out of my book. This compilation is for the younger set who, if we believe the reader statistics, are not likely to read a post over 500 words let alone a 100,000 word book. Feel free to copy and share any of these memes if you are into that kind of thing.

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Sex & Relationships 101.1 Quiz: How Kinky Are You?

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Welcome to this new sex and relationship blog series.

As with most things I advocate, this conversation will be more balanced; more risqué; and definitely more open than anything the mainstream is allowed to print these days. Yes, I will challenge preconceptions, indoctrination, and the status quo along the way, because it is what I do.

Reader Advisory: 18+ ???

THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY!

You might be mature at sixteen; in which case, kudos. You also might be an emotionally stunted immature child who is sixty. If you fall in love with every partner you sleep with, you are not mature enough to be here or to be sexually active. People are like that. Read on if you think you make the cut. In future we will cover the many elements and intricacies which make intimate human relations range from: “I’m so deeply in love” to “WTF just happened?” All too often the period of time between these two emotional states is ridiculously short. If you are willing, we will attempt to help you figure out why, so you might find closure and not fall into a repeating pattern of behavior in the future. Please feel free to suggest any related topics which interest you. All topics are on the table here; I am very open-minded. However, I do have a few boundaries in the area of abusive or abhorrent behaviors so choose your words carefully when weighing in on these.

Why the title: Sex & Relationships 101?

It’s simple really, this information is targeted at North Americans and other uptight backward misogynistic patriarchal nations around the globe. Many European countries have understood sex, the various anatomical functions, effects, and potential pitfalls for a very long time. Most importantly, they have taught what they know to their kids rather than just releasing uninformed morons into the world and hoping for the best, as we do here in North America. Even the books on relationships available to us are almost all written by heavily indoctrinated “in the box” thinkers who got lost somewhere in academia; conforming in order to be awarded a doctorate in a single discipline. This brings us to one critical point:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT!

Anyone who claims to be one is full of crap. A person would have to live a thousand lifetimes, and remember each one, to begin to get a handle on all the emotional states we humans can experience. Psych textbooks give us a basis for understanding, but no one should ever espouse to be an expert in human behavior unless they have lived it. Instead, I prefer the word authority with its root meaning.

ORIGIN: Middle English from Old French autorite, from Latin auctoritas, from auctor‘ originator, promoter’ (see author).

For those of you who are not acquainted with me, I am a human relations author who spent years researching this subject—ergo an authority. I wrote the sexiest, most humorous textbook on human behavior ever written. Ms. C is about life: everything we were not told, are told not to talk about, but need to know.

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So let’s start off with a bang. (Note the intentional use of sexual innuendo.)

KINK

I could think of no better way to illustrate how different everyone is, when discussing relationship matters, than this subject. Everyone has a different perspective based on how high they let their freak flag fly. One person’s kink is another person’s depravity. People judge each other based on their personal indoctrination, and most are unaware of how, when, where, and who seeded their beliefs. A few will deny they have ever had a kinky thought. This is rare among people who have explored their sexuality. At the opposite end of the spectrum, there are people who cannot climax without utilizing their kink(s). For them, kink often becomes a lifestyle. We will presume everyone reading this is somewhere between these two extremes, and we will find out just how kinky and how open to new experiences we are without diving into anything too “out there” for the average reader. If you are uninhibited or a bit of an exhibitionist, you can post your score in the comments. Here we go.

How Kinky Are You?

Give yourself 1 point for each of the following where you answered YES.

1) You have had mutually satisfying sex with a partner.
2) You have tried sexting.
3) You have tried phone sex.
4) You enjoy masturbation.
5) You enjoy sexy literature, photography, television, or films.
My score for this section: 5 out of 5.

Give yourself 5 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

6) You have had sex with a partner you just met.
7) You are on a sex tape.
8) You have had sex via video chat. (My computer’s camera is dead.)
9) You can name more than 3 sexual positions.
10) You enjoy oral sex.
11) You have tried a sex toy.
12) You have tried cosplay.
13) You like pornography.
14) You have played with any of these in bed: ice cubes, popsicles or a feather.
15) You talk dirty.
My score for this section: 45 out of 50.

Give yourself 10 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

16) You have had sex in public.
17) You have had sex at work.
18) Ass play happened.
19) Spanking happened.
20) Someone was tied up and or blindfolded.
21) You left a bite mark or scratches.
My score for this section: 60 out of 60.

Give yourself 20 points for each of the following where you answered YES.

22) You have engaged in ménage à trois.
23) You have been to an orgy.
24) You have swapped partners.
25) You have been with more than one sex.
26) Someone watched.
27) You own handcuffs and do not work in law enforcement.
28) You have a shiny body suit.
29) You are a tantric sex expert.
30) Your sex toy store knows you by name. (LOL)
31) You have made a mental note that your next bed must have stronger posts. (LOL)
My score for this section: 100 out of 200.

My Grand Total is: 210 out of 315. Many North Americans are shocked by my score while many Europeans think it’s probably about average. It does not matter what you scored. This quiz, like sex, is intended to be fun. Both you and your partner need the health benefits associated with sexual release, and as a bonus, the intimacy goes a long way in preserving a long-term relationship. If you are looking to shake things up, remember that any sex games must be discussed and mutually agreed to by all participants. Once your plan gets a green light, let your freak flag fly, but play safe.

Remember, behaviors usually do not become a problem until they involve compulsion.

Have fun but do not become lost in the pursuit of it.

© 2018 E. A. Barker

It’s not you, it’s me.

Perhaps I should explain myself, and how different parts of me are scattered across social media.

Choosing the best experience for you might mean we cannot be “friends”.

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At my core, I am a middle-aged man who works very hard to understand the behavior of both myself and other human beings. I will admit I am doing a little better with the former than the latter because I know who and what I am and how I was shaped. There may be no other point to our existence other than to discover ourselves—the “who” we are is complicated while the “what” we are is much easier. Let’s do the easy one first.

What am I?

  1. I am a human.
  2. I am a heterosexual male of that species.

What do I do?

They always leave out the implied ending of this question—for a living.

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  1. I am a non-fiction author.
  2. I am a writer for hire.
  3. I dabble in some business consulting, website design, and editing.

art-1301872_960_720Now the big question. . .

Who am I?

  1. It changes every day.
  2. I am just another flawed human being.
  3. I am someone who is looking behind the curtain of all my indoctrinations—familial; religious; societal; cultural—to see my programming.
  4. I am a seeker of truth which is a sucky pursuit. This brings us to the next one.
  5. I need to laugh, so I make snide, sarcastic, often inappropriate and misunderstood comments to help make the bitter pill of truth a little easier to swallow.
  6. As my self-awareness increases, I discard more and more of my original program in favor of ancient wisdom or “truths” if you will, which make me work on my humanness. There is much work to be done.
  7. If I shortlist this, I am pleased with my progress in compassion, empathy, sympathy, hypocrisy, ethics, scruples, and honesty, but I need more work on expectations, gratitude, judgement, tolerance, trust, and love.
  8. I am very concerned with how little time this incarnation of human civilization has left.
  9. Children make me smile. Each one is a blank slate with unparalleled memory capacity. If only we paid closer attention to the programming they receive.
  10. One of my few remaining beliefs is that a matriarchy might save us. The patriarchy has had at least 5000 years to get its shit together yet shows no signs of improving anytime soon. A civilization centered on economics only serves a few. Balance is the key to everything in nature and men just refuse to accept this paradigm. The patriarchy’s epitaph should read:

They discovered they could reshape their environment

and it ended them.

On that happy note, we will move on. This is the aforementioned sarcasm I spoke of.

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Twitter is my favorite place on social media because it is the least restrictive. Oddly, I am the most well-behaved there. If you compartmentalize your followers by making lists, you can end up with a personalized newsfeed. I recommend this for all authors who hate the social media obligation as much as I do. It will preserve your sanity for a while longer. On twitter you will get the best parts of me, for the most part, with little of my inner bad boy.

  • I re-tweet inspirational and philosophical words of wisdom daily.
  • I tweet my own mostly serious thoughts.
  • I tweet some book news.
  • My Ms. Creant site blog lands on twitter which will be mostly talking life and relationships from now on.
  • My E. A. Barker’s Blog Madness site also lands on twitter, and it is probably the only thing which could be construed as being offensive . . . and boy can it be offensive at times, when I take the gloves off. Yeah, this is a hockey term, and yes, I’m a Canadian.

You can find me on twitter @eabarkerauthor

I guess you could just follow one or both of my blogs, but you would definitely miss some fun . . . and I do like to have fun.

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Facebook is the bane of my existence. It is intrusive; your feed is next to impossible to manage unless you have a small circle; their idea of “community standards” would be laughable were it not for the disturbing fact they are willing to show the death of humans or animals, but a woman’s nipple is too much for their censors to bear; and yet I have four pages there. I might contact one of my psychologist “facebook friends” to help me figure out what in the f*ckity f*ck is up with that.

The public posts from my profile are squeaky clean; typically about life and saving the planet, although those damn blogs also show up. I guess we should change squeaky to pretty, or mostly, or kind of. If you are a facebooker, you can “follow” my public posts without seeing the bad boy stuff I share with my friends. You may miss out on some harmless humour, but you probably won’t be offended.

My E. A. Barker author page talks books, writing, author events, and libraries. I share most, but not all, blogging efforts to this page. THIS IS A SAFE ZONE!

My Author FYI page came about quite accidentally. It serves as a repository of all my research related to book publishing and book marketing for indie or small press authors, as well as a place where I wear my business-y hat. Only industry related blog posts land here. THIS IS A SAFE PLACE . . . or as safe as I get.

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If you cannot see the humour in this graphic, however inappropriate, you need not explore any farther.

My humor page is centered around relationships. The posts are there to make you laugh, but as usual, I employ few filters when it comes to seeing things for what they are.

woman-3156808_960_720Are you offended by nudity, vulgarity, or people who do not share your beliefs?

Do you remember when I said I am a flawed human being? If you make it onto my friends list, you will be treated to the full Monte. Actually that’s a lie, because facebook won’t let us show that, but you will get whatever strikes ME as funny, bizarre, cool, and I have been known to push the limits of facebook’s community standards just for the fun of it. I am against all things divisive. I am against all measures created to maintain division, the status quo, and to suppress badly needed conversations. If we cannot talk openly about anything, even if we do not agree with each other’s positions afterwards, then we cannot be friends. If you think you are up to it, you will find I am a loyal friend who is quick to help if I can, and you have my word, it won’t be dull.